Most children are “concrete” in their thinking until mid- or late adolescence, tending to interpret statements literally rather than metaphorically. So – when I reached sixth grade and was soon to begin my journey through the mysterious tunnel of my teenage years – it came as a confusing surprise when my father said, “It’s time for us to have a talk about ‘the birds and the bees.’” What, I thought. What are you talking about?
It turned out that Dad was talking about sex. But at the same time, he was trying to say as little about sex as possible. Ultimately, I began to understand: this was to be my introduction to where babies come from. Yuck! I thought. Birds lay eggs, and bees pollinate flowers. What is he talking about? Why can’t he speak plainly? My father approached what was obviously a difficult discussion with an engineer’s precision of illustration and a poet’s figurative language; but he was neither. I caught the gist of his message, but I was puzzled about why it was so awkward for him and so uncomfortable for me.[1]
I later began to understand one of the great mysteries of our American society: sex is everywhere. As nectar to draw the bees, it appears to have a large influence in advertising. And exploitation of sex through pornography has spread like a profitable cancer through the internet. But many of us – when young – were not grounded in a solid understanding of and comfort with our own sexuality. Nor were many of us schooled about the sexual dimension of our lives, as opposed to the intellectual, religious, athletic or social dimensions. During our early years, it seemed as though we were rarely – if ever – encouraged to ask questions about the fires that were beginning to burn within us. On this topic, we were to remain in the Victorian era when children were to be seen and not heard.
As a senior in high school looking forward to starting college, I was perusing the catalog for the school where I had been accepted. In my reading about their new athletic center, there was a brief mention that swim suits were optional in the pool. Optional?? The school wouldn’t become co-educational for another two years, but I was unnerved by the idea of swimming naked. I had grown up in a family and social environment of considerable modesty.
I was surprised to later learn that the YMCA, from their beginning through the mid-1960’s, required that all boys and men who chose to use their pools swim in the nude. (Girls and women were expected to wear swimsuits.) Even during swim meets, family members (including girls and women) were invited to watch the boys compete.
By the time I got to medical school, there was a need to educate future physicians to become more comfortable about discussing sexual issues with their patients. We had two faculty members – Dr. Alex Comfort[2] and Dr. John Money – who provided the cornerstone of our medical education in this area.
Shortly after Gram and I were married (the year after I graduated from medical school), we had our own first experience teaching about sex. Gram’s best friend from high school (and later Godmother for our daughter), Barb, was a special education teacher. She taught at a school for children with learning disorders and intellectual disability. She and other teachers were getting a lot of questions from older students that they were not prepared to answer. So Gram (as a nurse) and I (as a future pediatrician) accepted an invitation to visit the school to discuss changes during puberty and to answer questions. Gram met with the girls and I met with the boys.
The school was run by the Sisters of St. Francis of Assisi for elementary to high school students – some coming from the local public school district and some attending privately – with the goal of helping them learn self-respect, communication, cooperation, safety, and to develop some vocational skills. With our medical backgrounds, Gram and I thought we might be able to contribute something . . . but we had no idea what we were really getting into.
According to Gram, the girls were shy and reluctant to ask questions. She was able to make a somewhat structured presentation. Unlike her, I was struck by a testosterone-driven tsunami of questions that I was totally unprepared for. First, I realized that the boys had a huge vocabulary of slang, and the words I used were unintelligible to them. Second, I found that they could be very disinhibited – they were ready to ask and to say anything. Third, I learned that they were laser-focused on results.
Vocabulary. Our question-and-answer session was hard for me, because I was uncomfortable using the same words that they did. Rather than asking questions about their penis, they spoke of their dick or prick; an erect penis was their boner or hard-on. Their testes were balls or nuts. When speaking of a girl’s vagina, they used a variety of slang words; and breasts were boobs or tits. Their terms for sexual intercourse were quite colorful; and none of them were ever used during my medical education. Making love wasn’t even on their list. For ejaculation – whether during intercourse or masturbation – they had a plethora of synonyms. I felt like I was in a foreign country speaking a language that I had never studied before traveling. The students were far more street-wise than I was at that age.
Boundaries. Their curiosity knew no limits. They were eager to ask about my sexual experiences – at what age, how many girls, and how often I had sex with my wife now that I was married. So we first had to talk about what I intended to keep private and what was reasonable to discuss. The distinction between private and public was the first boundary they needed to understand. And it was important to be very specific about the distinction. It’s not enough, for example, to say that masturbation is normal but should happen only when there is no one around. After all, there’s no one around at most McDonald’s restaurants in the middle of the afternoon! There was no room for ambiguity in teaching guidelines to them.
More importantly, we talked about the need for boundaries in their relationships. They had been taught to please their teachers and parents by being agreeable. However, in personal relationships, the decision to say “yes” must be freely given, and both people must know that it can always be withdrawn. Bribing, shaming or intimidating another person into saying “yes” is unacceptable. This was the second boundary: understanding the differences between consent, coercion, and a change of mind.
Goals. Many of the boys in the classes were curious and eager to get down to business. They wanted to know how to make a girl like you. When and where can you kiss her? What touching is okay? Is it a good idea to have sex on a first date? Where can we go to find a place for having sex? It became clear to me that these boys were sexual beings and had an innate ability to problem solve. The boys had many other questions about things they wanted to try or to avoid. “Is masturbation okay? What is rape? How do you put on a condom?”
There were two sessions that Patty and I were each scheduled for – one for students primarily with learning disabilities and one for students primarily with intellectual disability. I believe that in Gram’s sessions, there were more questions from the first group. But among the boys there were more similarities than difference between the two groups – both were uninhibited and matter-of-fact in asking their questions. My meetings with them felt like the longest, most challenging two hours of my life. When Gram and I left, the highly regarded principal of the school, Sr. Christopher, gave us a beautiful wooden crucifix, which – mounted above the door in our bedroom – was an enduring reminder of our humbling experience.
I learned a lot during this encounter. It was necessary for me to take inventory of what I really believed about sexuality and people with disability. Did I truly understand that these boys and girls had the same right to make their own decisions as other people do? To be proud of who they are? To develop relationships and risk falling in love? To have sexual relations and perhaps become parents? My reflections on these issues were important when I started my training to become a pediatric neurologist and had to provide counsel about these topics.
I came away from my time at this very special school having an appreciation that these adolescents can have sex and want to have sex. They can learn to act responsibly. But I also realized that, in addition to good information, they may need some protection as well as guidance in order to not be abused or to become abusers.
Opa
[1] Listen to “The Birds and the Bees” sung by Jewel Akens (1965) at:
[2] Author of The Joy of Sex (1972)
Well done. I never knew that about the naked swimming. It makes a certain amount of sense in light of filtration technology at the time and clothing materials. Though, as a student of human nature, I assume there were many at the time who weren't at all comfortable with the practice.
There are definitely difficult discussions with our children—or children in general in your case. But I always come back to something I once heard that’s stuck with me: Whatever we're not teaching our children, someone else is. But worse. And wrong.